


i'm all in, palms out (i'm at your mercy now)

by patchworkgirlofoz



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, ace!caduceus, everything in fjord’s life is a question so why shouldn’t this be as well, insinuations that fjord felt pressured into relationships, questioning!fjord, the wildmother is also here because She is in everything, very brief moment of a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23470504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchworkgirlofoz/pseuds/patchworkgirlofoz
Summary: They probably survived that dragon turtle battle. Fjord invites Caduceus out on a picnic date by the beach and he accepts. Yeah, Fjord’s pretty sure they survived the dragon turtle, but if this is some kind of afterlife, he isn’t completely opposed.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 21
Kudos: 124





	i'm all in, palms out (i'm at your mercy now)

When the Mighty Nein had finally made it to the island of Vide Cay, their ship creaking and splintering apart after the fight with the dragon turtle, they hadn’t originally paid much attention to the town itself. They had arrived in the middle of the night and they were weary to the bone. With a silent agreement between them that any place off the Ball-Eater to sleep was better than another night on it, they had stumbled into the first inn they had found, shoved more coin than was probably necessary for room and board, and had all fallen into a much needed sleep. 

Awakening to the sounds, sights, and smells of the small island town was another matter entirely. As the sun rose over Vide Cay, they looked outside their windows to watch as the morning light brightened the town which was spread out before them. The crescent shaped shore was dotted with buildings, almost every one of them painted a bright, solid color. Many of these buildings clustered up almost to the edge of the white, sandy beach, and the ocean past that matched the color of the clear blue sky so perfectly that it was difficult to make out the horizon that separated it. From their rooms, the smell of freshly baked bread and sizzling bacon wafted up the stairs from the kitchen. There was a chattering of seagulls from the distance, just far away enough that you'd be forgiven for forgetting what pests they really were. It felt like peace at last.

Not that everything had been a pleasant surprise. The Ball-Eater was in need of some pretty severe repairs. Orly and the crew grimly reported to Fjord it might be three, maybe as many as four weeks before she was sea-worthy again. Additionally the cost of such repairs, while not outside their budget, was not insignificant as well. 

It didn’t ground them entirely - magical travel was an option, or there were several smaller ships they could charter to Rumblecusp with more than enough time to set up for TravelerCon. They still had more than a week left. Jester managed to rope Yasha and Beau into more preparation, and then Caleb and Veth left to find spell components, paper, and ink. Fjord and Caduceus had gone into town as well, though not with any specific destination in mind. 

Fjord hadn’t begun to feel settled from their previous struggles until well past noon, as he followed Caduceus around the streets, investigating the little shops and ware sellers across the town. He was grateful to see that the lines of stress which had begun to crease more intently around Caduceus’s face of late were beginning to fade away. That alone was worth a little window shopping. 

He rolled his shoulders back, trying to ease out that last remaining ache as they exited the most recent building. It was an odd little stone shop painted robin egg blue, with a large wind chime made of shells jangling merrily along as the door opened and closed behind them. The sign outside was also made entirely out of shell, rather creatively, and it had sold, not so creatively, shells of any shape and size. It was essentially a tourist trap. But Caduceus had liked it, and so Fjord thought that was good enough. 

Caduceus now carried a rather large conch shell that was almost the exact bright shade of pink as his hair. It was cupped gingerly in his palms. He had been delighted by the object and the shop owner, in turn delighted by Caduceus, had given it over for free. It wasn’t magical as far as either of them could tell, but it was a pretty thing. A pretty gift for a pretty stranger, which Fjord was still not sure if Caduceus had understood. 

“Hey, Caduceus,” Fjord said. Caduceus turned to look back at him. As he had longer legs, if Fjord wasn’t careful in his stride, Caduceus often outpaced him. Fjord took a breath. He wasn't sure how he wanted to phrase this. “Listen - this may be a weird question. You know he was interested in you, right?” 

Caduceus made a noise low under his breath, a pleasant sort of rumbling sound just short of a laugh. “I know,” he said. 

“Oh. So you weren’t...” Fjord shrugged at Caduceus’s curious stare. “I thought you seemed friendly - friendlier - and maybe missed on some signs that he liked you back.” 

That did sound dumb, now that it was out in the air. Caduceus may have grown up sheltered in some ways, yet if there was anyone in the Mighty Nein who could pick out the slightest expression of a stranger and interpret it correctly, it was him. It was probably weird to assume that this would be the area that was the exception. And yet Fjord _had_ assumed, and he wasn’t exactly sure why.

Or, and Fjord carefully tried to avoid this thought even as it came to mind; here he was hoping Caduceus might not be able to pick up on that kind of thing. Because if he could, that would mean he knew, and that would mean he wasn’t interested in Fjord back. That’d be pretty devastating. 

“He was nice.” Caduceus said, in that easy way of his. “Sure, I might have enjoyed spending more time with him. I don’t think we would have wanted the same thing from that.”

Now Fjord was curious. “What do you mean?”

“Well. I might have taken him up on a date, sure, but that always leads to questions. And most often it seems to lead to offers of sex. Not that there's anything wrong with a tumble in the hay. It just has never been my, uh, cup of tea, so to speak.” 

Something about the phrasing, or the unexpectedness of it, had Fjord choking on air in a mixture of surprise and laughter. It was enough that he nearly stumbled forward as they walked. Caduceus reached out and steadied him, concern apparent. “Are you alright?” Caduceus asked.

“No, no - yes, I mean, I’m fine,” Fjord said. “I guess I didn’t expect you to be so uh. Forthright.” He glanced up. “Is that something that the Wildmother...” His voice trailed off in question.

Caduceus’s ears flicked slightly back in surprise. He shook his head, once, twice; very firmly. “No, no, the Wildmother is very much in favor of it. Don’t worry, Fjord.” He smiled, and squeezed his arm reassuringly. “This is a ‘me’ thing. You're certainly welcome to do as you like.” 

“Oh,” Fjord said, “That’s, um, cool then.” He mentally berated himself for the stupid response, but Caduceus didn’t seem to mind.

“Thank you, Fjord,” he said, with all apparent genuineness. “I appreciate that. Not everyone is as understanding as quickly.” 

Fjord frowned. “You’ve had worse responses?”

“Well. Yeah. A date or two. People find it misleading,” he said. “Though I don’t mean to trick anyone.” He didn’t sound bothered by this, which was more than Fjord could say for it. 

The breeze from the ocean picked up around them, playing and tugging slightly at Caduceus’ long hair. The unusual color of his hair, which could seem so out of place in the woods or in dark areas of the Dwendalian Empire and Xhorhas, seemed well suited here around the bright blue sky and candy-colored houses. 

Fjord turned around, beginning to walk backwards so that he could keep up with this conversation more directly. Staring up at the side of Caduceus’s tall profile wasn’t enough. “Dates?” he asked, surprised, “You’ve gone on dates? Like, back when you were kept up in the graveyard - in the Blooming Grove - you had like, picnics there or something?”

Caduceus gave him a small smile of approval for using the right name, and Fjord felt a light floaty feeling rise up from his chest in response. “Sure,” Caduceus said, in that soothing cadence of his, “Not often, given the relative isolation. But… one or two.” He let out a small, wistful sigh. "No picnics either, unfortunately." 

Something cold and icy dropped in his stomach as Fjord connected the two. “That same number, huh. One or two possible dates, where you maybe, _possibly_ , might have had the same experience.” Whether he meant to deflect it or not by being vague, that’s how it sounded. 

“Yeah. I suppose that’s right.”

“Huh.” Fjord slowed down to a stop. Caduceus deserved more than that - he deserved… Fjord snapped his jaw shut, before he could say anything out loud. 

Whatever emotion he felt that he was trying to work out internally must have appeared more clearly on his face, because Caduceus stopped as well, and reached out to brush a hand over his arm with the lightest of touches. 

“Fjord,” he said, gently. “Are you alright?” 

“I- yes. I’m fine.” Fjord shook his head, trying to get out of his own thoughts for a moment. “Listen. I’m going to head back to the inn. See if Jessie and Beau are still hanging around, preparing for TravelerCon or whatever. I’ve got to… work on something real quick. Do you mind meeting me back there later, say in an hour?”

Caduceus may have been confused by the sudden change of plans, but if he was, he didn’t show it or appear to be bothered by it. “Sure. I’ll try not to get lost on my way back.”

Fjord smiled. “I have faith in you.” 

That was enough to make Caduceus smile back, the lines around his eyes crinkling. The expression was warm and radiating with clear affection. Fjord turned quickly away so he wasn’t caught blushing at that reaction alone, and jogged off back towards the inn in the front of the city with his heart trapped in his throat. 

He tried not to think about how he could clearly feel Caduceus’s eyes on his back, or how good the firbolg was at reading intentions. Fjord had about an hour or so to set this up before it started to grow too dark. This was not enough time probably, but the silver lining was that it would be short enough so that he couldn’t second guess anything, so that might keep him from backing out of this. Whatever it was he thought he was doing, anyway. 

\---

So, Jester had helped. 

Fjord had gone back to the inn, where Jester, Yasha, and Beau were still all cuddled together, painting miniature traveler dolls and making dick necklaces, you know, as you do. Caleb and Veth were still in town, and probably would be for a while; it did not seem to be a place where it was easy to find wizard supplies. Fjord tried to sneak in, as he had intended to avoid the group altogether. However, as though she had some kind of Romance Detector, Jester had found him searching through their supplies for something, anything, which he could cobble together in an hour.

It was more accurate to say, then, that Jester had saved his ass. 

“Quickly! He’s here!” Jester hissed, so impatient that she started to push him out of the kitchen. A few of the inn workers, who were actually supposed to be in the kitchen, shot curious looks over their shoulders as they exited. Thankfully, the inn had allowed them to plunder a small portion of fruits, breads, and cheeses after some strong arming by the girls.

“Thanks, Jessie,” Fjord said.

“Don’t thank me unless it works!” Jester said, and Fjord was many things but he knew a dismissal when he heard it. 

He followed her advice, not quite running but moving at a brisk pace down the stairs and past the innkeeper and a few other guests who knew far too much about his love life, or lack thereof, and right out the door - 

And straight into Caduceus’ chest. 

Fjord, luckily, did not drop the basket in surprise. He did almost teeter over, but Caduceus steadied him with both hands. Thankfully, Caduceus wasn’t wearing his shell armor. He’d left it in their room, placed with care next to the foot of his bed. Fjord’s nose had been met with a cloth shirt instead of armor, meaning what was already embarrassing could have been far worse. 

Already starting off on the wrong foot, shit. Fjord glanced up. Caduceus wasn’t laughing at him and, although he was smiling faintly, it did not seem unkind. He never was unkind. 

“Hello, Fjord,” he said. 

“Oh, Caduceus!" Fjord said, intelligently. “Sorry, you surprised me. I mean, not you being here. Just the - the bumping into you literally part.” 

“I thought that as well,” Caduceus said, agreeably. He noticed the basket Fjord was clutching. “Is that a picnic basket?”

“Right,” Fjord said. The words, or whatever plan he had for them, had flown right out of his head. He held out the picnic basket between them like a shield. “This is for you, actually. Well, for both of us, hopefully. See, I was thinking - I wanted to ask -” 

Caduceus did not do him any favors. He stood patiently there in the doorway, waiting for Fjord to stumble through the words. But something about his calm focus helped settle Fjord down, so he took a deep breath, and tried again. 

“I wanted to ask if you would like to go on a picnic. With me, to the beach. As a date.” 

It wasn’t the most eloquent of moments, but the message was clear. That was the important part, right? Fjord felt a small amount of calm come to him in that moment, a brief feeling of peace. Whatever the answer was, at least it was out there now, and there wouldn’t be this unasked question between them. He could probably live with that. Probably.

Unfortunately for him, Caduceus frowned. Fjord felt his heart sink deeper in his chest. He was uncomfortably aware that the patrons of the inn were behind him, though they were still loud enough he could give himself the illusion no one was paying attention. Focusing on the sound of the noise and the chatter of the inn was giving him the feeling of floating away and he wanted to lean into that sensation, only Caduceus’s hands - oh, were they still both on either of his arms? - gripped him more tightly. They steadied him, kept him from flaking out. 

“Fjord,” and his voice sounded a little far away. Fjord tried to focus on it, ground himself in the vibrations of Caduceus's deep voice. “I need you to tell me that this isn’t because you felt sorry for me, or because you’re trying to make up for something.”

That snapped Fjord’s attention back into hyper-focus. “What? No,” he said, shocked into complete honesty. “I’m asking you on a date because I like you.” 

“Oh!” Caduceus said, surprised. Then, bright as the sun, he smiled. “Oh, Fjord. I’d love to go on a picnic date with you. I can't think of a nicer way to spend the evening.”

The tips of Fjord’s ears flushed a deep, verdant green. He couldn’t see them, but he knew, could feel the heat rush up to his ears, his cheeks. So Caduceus hadn't known at all. Hadn’t seen straight through him.

Right. He wasn’t a mind reader. 

Caduceus tugged on his arms again, gently pulling him out of the door frame, and then out of the way of any curious onlookers, for good measure. Fjord’s brain scrambled back into some sort of order, and he could only laugh, because it was absurd that he was so affected by this. Understandably, the reaction had Caduceus tilting his head, looking at him curiously.

“Though we could do this another day?” Caduceus said.

“No, no,” Fjord said. “I’m just laughing at myself. I really, _really_ , would like to go out with you today.” He knew he was smiling foolishly, with relief, or just as a helpless response to the glowing smile on Caduceus’s face. 

“Go out again,” Caduceus said, “go out intentionally. Go out with intent.” 

“Right! With intent! That’s the important part.” 

“Where are we going?” Caduceus asked, as Fjord turned the other direction, away from the main road that led straight through the heart of the town and directly onto the beach. They still hadn’t stopped touching each other, so when Fjord turned, Caduceus’s hand tugged slightly at his arm as he moved away. “The beach is that way?” He pointed back down the main road.

“The public beach is that way,” Fjord corrected. “The innkeeper told me - well, Yasha intimidated him into telling me, long story - anyway, there’s a better place. A less crowded place. We just have to follow a southwest path away from the town to get there.” 

“Alright,” Caduceus said, easily. He followed Fjord as they moved in that direction, and reached down past Fjord’s arm to take hold of his hand. He entwined their fingers together.

Fjord covered his face with his free hand in an irrational effort to hide how flustered he’d become, but squeezed the hand that was entangled with his own before Caduceus could get the wrong idea and withdraw. He glanced sideways and up at Caduceus’s profile, and found he was looking back at him. 

Caduceus hummed. “This is nice,” he said. 

“Y-yeah,” Fjord agreed. 

He thought they probably had survived that dragon turtle fight. But if he was wrong, and this was some kind of afterlife, well. He couldn’t find it within himself to feel concerned. 

\---

Dappled spots of sunlight fell between the shadows of the tree leaves, dancing underneath their feet as Fjord and Caduceus wandered down the long, winding path from the edge of town and out towards that promised coastline. Eventually the trees thinned out and then disappeared, and the dirt beneath their feet was replaced by sand. The sun began to set before them. The light in the sky turned from blue, to orange and pink; catching Caduceus’s hair and brightening the edges around him like a halo. 

Fjord, feeling daring, leaned slightly against Caduceus as they walked through the beach sand and to the direction of the shore. Caduceus hummed a soft, sweet tune that Fjord was unfamiliar with, and brushed a wayward strand of Fjord’s hair away from his face. That airy feeling like a bubble caught in the center of Fjord’s chest, and he thought if Caleb could trap moments in amber like objects, this would be the one he’d want preserved forever.

Closer to the shore though far enough to respect any rising tides, they unfolded and spread the white linen bedsheet which had been covering the basket onto the sand. It was enough length-wise, though just barely due to Caduceus's height, for both of them to rest upon comfortably. Fjord put the basket down in the middle, and then pulled Caduceus forward. He allowed it so easily, Fjord was struck suddenly with the certainty that Caduceus might follow wherever Fjord wanted them to go. That was a little too much to think of at this moment.

“We don’t have to go anywhere near the water.” Fjord said.

Caduceus looked speculatively at the waves. “I think,” he said, slowly, deliberately, “That for now - after everything - maybe not.” He smiled, and then stressed; “For now.” 

“Okay,” Fjord said. “I’d like it if you could have good memories, you know, of this kind of place.”

“Because it’s important to you. I want that as well,” Caduceus said. 

“I… thank you,” Fjord said, then spun to the first thought he could move on to. “Did you make sandcastles with us, last time?” 

“Yeah,” Caduceus said. He dropped down to his knees, and Fjord followed him there. Caduceus glanced up quickly as he did, a flash of mischief in his eyes that Fjord had only rarely seen. Maybe when his family had been around for that brief moment, or once or twice with Jester or Veth on occasion. “Do you wanna make it a competition?” 

Fjord chuckled. “If you think you can beat a sandcastle master artisan, then, sure. I'm warning you - I've been doing this all my life.” 

“Hmm…” Caduceus reached into the bag at his side, and pulled out the large, pink conch shell. “I think I have an ace.” And he smirked. 

“Oh, it's on,” Fjord said, grinning. 

They both started by working on their moats. Caduceus was, clearly, far less experienced at working with sand. But he made up for it by being so careful and precise, even if it slowed his process. Fjord snuck a few glances to watch him while they worked, and was deeply amused by the clear concentration and effort he was putting into their makeshift competition. His eyes rarely blinked and his tongue was sticking slightly out of the corner of his mouth as he steadily, carefully piled walls of sand around to form his castle. 

At the end, they called it a draw. Fjord’s castle was less lumpy and more technically impressive - including something that could, charitably, be considered a drawbridge - but Caduceus had placed his new conch shell right on top which they both agreed made it the prettiest castle. 

“You ever been buried in sand?” Fjord asked after, to which Caduceus shook his head.

So now Fjord was carefully pushing and dropping handfuls of sand over his feet, legs, arms, chest, and waist. Caduceus was very still and calm about the whole process. 

“That feels nice,” Caduceus said. He sounded sleepy.

"Yeah?"

“Feels warm,” Caduceus clarified. 

“Hmm,” Fjord said, with the tiniest of smiles. “I used to uh. Back when I was a kid, I used to sleep out here sometimes, you know.” He didn’t know why he’d admitted to that. It just slipped right out, like from a leaky tap. Things happened to do that a lot around Caduceus. 

Caduceus’s eyes, which had been threatening to shut, opened more at this. “When you were a kid? When you were at the orphanage, you mean.” 

“Yes, uh, it wasn’t always the most welcoming place to, to sleep.” Fjord pushed more sand over Caduceus’s chest, like a blanket. “The sand wasn’t much better, to be honest. I woke up with all of my clothes just coated in it. It was very itchy. I just - liked the beach so much, you know?” He laughed, but Caduceus sat up at the end of his sentence. He hadn’t been completely buried yet and showers of sand poured like a waterfall down his chest. 

They looked at each other. Caduceus looked like he was trying to find the right words to say, which meant he might be caught in that thought process for a while.

“Hey,” Fjord said, softly. “Thank you for - for everything, again. I feel like you keep just showing up to save me every time and I just…” 

“Fjord...” Caduceus said. His eyes were searching, looking over Fjord's face as though he was waiting for something to break. And that was alright, Fjord thought. Maybe here was a safe place to crumble. 

Fjord laughed a little, under his breath, almost in disbelief, and dropped his head down. “You think he’s ever going to stop looking for me?” He asked and he hated, absolutely hated, how thin and watery his voice sounded. He didn’t have to specify who he meant. 

He felt a warm, gentle pressure as Caduceus’s hands went up to cup either side of his face, and his eyes darted up to meet his. There was still sand trapped underneath the skin of Caduceus’s palm, the rough texture tickling against the small hairs that Fjord had been growing on his chin. It wasn’t the most pleasant texture, but it was grounding. 

“We’ll be there. I’ll be there.” Caduceus said. “We’ll protect you.” 

“It might be for the rest of my life.”

“And we’ll be there, for the rest of your life,” Caduceus said, like it was simple, like it wasn’t some big, earth shattering statement that made Fjord feel like the ground beneath him had been swept out from under him and replaced by a vacuum of space. Like he was falling and the only sensation, the only reality that mattered, came from the warm and slightly sandy hands of the man in front of him. For Caduceus, maybe that statement seemed natural to make for a friend or a boyfriend, but for Fjord, who hadn't any family and whose one stability in life before the Mighty Nein was a ghost ship drowned at the bottom of the sea and a Captain who hadn't bothered looking for him, it was too much to process at once.

He breathed out, a long, shuttering sigh and reached out to wrap his arms around him. Caduceus dipped his head forward, pressing their foreheads together, and they remained like that for some time; Caduceus half-buried in the sand, and Fjord clutching onto him like an anchor. 

The breeze around them picked up, curling around the both of them. It felt strangely warm for this time of night and season. Fjord could smell the scent of pine and musk, so different from what the sea air smelled of, and thought they were not alone here. They were being watched over, and they were safe.

After what may have been ten or fifteen minutes, or what may have been hours, Fjord released Caduceus from his hold. 

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Caduceus echoed, voice low and warm. 

“We still haven’t eaten any of the picnic. I think Jessie will really kill me if I bring it all back uneaten. They made this whole big fuss about it, back at the inn.” 

Caduceus chuckled. “She won’t.” But he still stood up, sand rippling off his thin white shirt into a pool beneath his cloven feet. He appeared to be a little surprised of just how much of it there had been, and of what remained clinging to him. Fjord helped him brush some of the egregious amounts of it off. 

“Hm,” Caduceus said, “maybe we won’t do that next time.”

Fjord couldn’t help but laugh. “It is easier if you go into the water after, but I won’t make you do that.”

Caduceus reached out, grabbing Fjord’s hand in his own, and tugging him slowly back to their picnic area. His hand was much larger, and though his fingers were long and thin they engulfed Fjord’s own almost entirely. Fjord focused on that as he was pulled along, thinking of Caduceus stepping forward in that moment when he was cold and under Obann’s influence, how he’d taken his hand and suddenly all of the ice had been melted away with such warmth and certainty. _Come with me_ , he had said. 

Fjord went along willingly. 

The basket was full of fruit. Fresh bead, too, and even artisan cheeses. Fjord hadn’t thought about how the inn was stocked in his panic, but now it floated up in his mind. Either there was a section of the island that supported those industries, or more likely there were plentiful merchant vessel trips. Jester had also slipped in a few cupcakes, though he was suspicious how old those might be.

“Wow,” Caduceus said, admiringly, of their little spread.

“No meat,” Fjord said, “and no wine either. Just things we both like, um, hopefully.” He scratched the back of his neck, sheepishly. 

Caduceus smiled. “That’s very sweet.”

“Yeah I kind of - panicked. I didn’t really think it through. I mean, I’d been meaning to for a while, but I never had the courage to even think of how to ask - “ Fjord shook his head. “Anyway, I figure this might be nice. You’re always making things for us after all. Not like I don’t love your moss and mushroom sandwiches. Just - something different. And you said, well, you'd never been on a picnic date before. Neither have I.”

Caduceus’s smile grew. He reached down, and began to set their plates. 

“I guess I didn’t really do anything, now that I think about it,” Fjord said, unable to stop himself from rambling. "I just took some food from the inn, and I didn't even bully them into giving us that, the girls did. And now you're making the plates..." 

“Thank you, Fjord.” Caduceus said. He offered him a plate. “This is very thoughtful.”

“Thanks,” Fjord said, taking the plate. He shoved a triangle of cheese in his mouth to stop himself from talking more. 

“Did you know this type of grape is poisonous to firbolgs?” Caduceus asked, mildly, as he held up a cluster. 

“No I didn’t-” Fjord started, but was interrupted by Caduceus’s low chuckle. 

“Sorry, I was pulling your leg. You don’t need to be so worried.” He said. “This is going really, really well. Better than I had even hoped for.” 

That struck Fjord like an arrow, bright and blossoming from his chest. He settled into the feeling, letting it center him, letting it calm him down. He wasn’t the only one who had thought of something like this. “Right,” he said, his mouth curling up to match Caduceus’s smile. 

“I didn’t expect you to be this nervous,” Caduceus said, even as he spread some cheese on his bread, “I was worried you might have been bored of me.”

That shocked him, a little. “Bored of you?”

“Well, it’s only that you’ve had a different life than I have. You’ve had, well, people like Avantika.”

“Avantika, right,” Fjord said, suddenly not feeling very hungry. He stared down at the platter that Caduceus had carefully arranged; grapes, and cheeses, and two thick slices of bread. 

“She just had such a force of personality.” There was a slight bit of judgement in that.

Fjord let out a bark of laughter, though he didn’t feel amused. “She certainly did have that.” He hated that the air between them felt uncertain now, when it had been so clear and clean before this, and it wasn’t anything to do with either of them, or at least not what they were together. Just his own hangups coming back to haunt him, like always; Avantika, Sabian, and all of the rest. 

“I made you uncomfortable,” Caduceus said. 

“No. Not you,” Fjord said. “Not your fault. Hey, uh… how did you know?”

“How did I know what?” Caduceus put down his plate as well, looking at Fjord with concern.

“That you weren’t really interested in other people, the same way people expected you to be interested in them? How did you know that so clearly, enough to draw that line?”

Caduceus did not say anything for a while. He was taking the question seriously, Fjord knew, just from the light of his eyes alone. “Well,” he said, after a long pause, “I think... I never felt like I had to do anything I didn’t want to do.”

“Oh,” Fjord said, “Right.” 

“That shouldn’t be a privilege, but I think it might be.” Caduceus said, looking so carefully at him. 

“I don’t know Caduceus.” He sighed, and leaned back on his elbows, staring up at the sky above them. The stars were beginning to appear before them now, and the moons were easy to see. “All my life, I feel like I’ve been trying to fit into this idea of something, or someone. When other people wanted me, it felt like I was supposed to be grateful for it. Grateful that they saw in me what I wanted them to. It felt - validating. But it also felt disconnected… like I was just moving along in a dance I never understood, but so badly wanted to be a part of.”

There was the noise of shifting fabric and sand, and he could see Caduceus from the corner of his eye move over to sit closer to him.

“That isn’t your fault,” Caduceus said. 

“See the thing is... I don’t even know if it is the same as it is for you, or if I've just had bad experiences in the past. But I never - it never felt like this, like it does with you. Easy, or that's not the word. This feels _nice_ , and it makes me realize that in my other relationships - what I did before - I didn't always do what I wanted, but what other people wanted me to do. And I had kind of tricked myself into thinking that was fine, because that's just what I expected it was supposed to be like.” Fjord said. “It's just, everything feels like it's in the sharpest relief now. Not just because of today, but every change I’ve made in my life recently.” 

“Well.” Caduceus took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “It could be that you felt something for them, and it was warped by the negative experiences. Like everything around Avantika and… everything surrounding that. Or it could be that you wanted badly, so badly, to be needed or admired by the people around you that you felt like you couldn’t refuse them if they stepped past what made you comfortable.” Fjord let out a low bark of laughter, humorless, and Caduceus gripped his arm tightly. 

“Fjord, I can’t say anything for sure. This has to be something you work out.” He sounded regretful. “It can take time.”

Fjord let out a frustrated sigh. “I just wish it didn’t feel like every moment of my life, just when I think I’ve got a handle on everything, the sand keeps shifting under me. I’m old enough. I feel like I should know who I am by now. Sorry,” Fjord said, “I didn’t mean to make you play guide here as well.”

Caduceus tilted his head slightly. “Is that what you think, I’m playing guide?” There was no insinuation in the tone, only a genuine curiosity. “Do you want me to stop?”

Fjord shook his head, upset with himself. He leaned against Caduceus’s side, and let out a long sigh. “No. I just feel guilty for making this all about me. I don’t think this is how dates are supposed to go, Caduceus.”

“I don’t think I care how they’re supposed to go,” Caduceus said, and Fjord believed that about him for sure. “I’m glad you can confide in me even when - even if I don’t have the answers. Especially when I don’t. I don’t actually have many of them.” 

Fjord let out a low, shuddering breath. He felt Caduceus’s arms wrap more tightly around him, pulling him close. Fjord closed his eyes tightly. 

“We’ll draw our own boundaries,” Caduceus said, “I can promise to let you know if I feel like you are asking too much of me, if you promise not to hold back what you really feel from me.”

Fjord glanced up. Caduceus was looking down at him with such clear, unmasked affection that it was hard to meet his eyes straight on. “I think I can do that.” He said, breathless. Now was the time to be daring; it couldn’t possibly get any more disastrous. “How do you feel about, um, kissing?” 

Caduceus considered this seriously for a moment. Fjord was sure, even if the answer was no, that would be okay. “Yeah,” Caduceus said, after a moment, “I think so. That would be nice.” 

Fjord sat up and gingerly, carefully leaned forward, giving Caduceus enough time to change his mind if he wanted to. “Careful of the tusks,” he murmured, and pressed their lips together. He was surprised at how sure Caduceus was in the response, deepening their kiss without any hesitation. It wasn’t the most passionate explosion of feeling but it was certain and sweet, and he closed his eyes to enjoy it more fully. 

Caduceus pulled away first, a little more abruptly than he expected. “Fjord,” he said. “I don’t believe that you are supposed to know who you are with certainty now, or ten years for now, or thirty.” 

Fjord, a little dazed, mentally stepped backwards in their conversation. “No?” he asked. 

“No,” Caduceus said. He smiled, softly. “You have your whole life to figure out who you are. I don’t see what the point of all of this, of life itself, would be except for exploring everything you are or could become.” 

Fjord let out a sound of disbelief, surprising them both, but he couldn’t help it. “You can say that, sure, but you’re --” he would have gestured more clearly, but he was so carefully tucked against Caduceus’s side that he didn’t want to disturb that. “You’re, well, you. You know exactly who you are.”

Caduceus chuckled, the low sound reverberating between them. “That’s not true,” he said. 

“Prove it,” Fjord said, astonished, and not quite intending it to sound as much like a challenge as it did. “I don’t believe you’ve changed at all since we’ve met.”

“Well, when we first met,” Caduceus said, “I thought I was going to go back home when I found my family again, and when the Mighty Nein had become a proper garden, growing towards the light. I would have, by now, if I hadn’t changed.” 

All the breath felt like it left Fjord’s lungs at that. “You would have left?” 

“This was only what I thought in the beginning.” Caduceus said, comfortingly. He stroked the back of Fjord’s head, where the bristles of hair were only starting to grow out from the undercut again. Fjord let his head fall slightly forward, chin falling against Caduceus’s collarbone, to better give him room. It was a soothing sensation and he hadn’t expected it to work so well, but the tension was beginning to uncurl from his stomach and from the set of his shoulders. 

“That’s nice,” Fjord murmured. Caduceus hummed an approving note in response. 

“When I was younger, I never wanted to venture outside of the Blooming Grove,” Caduceus said. “I was satisfied with what I thought I was supposed to be, where I thought my place in the world was. And then…”

“And then your family started to disappear,” Fjord said. 

Caduceus nodded. He was quiet for a moment, staring out at the sea. The tide was rising and the clear, reflective water was echoing the dark purplish blue of the twilight sky. From where they were they could see hundreds of stars becoming clearer, brighter, as the night deepened around them. 

“I was a coward,” he said, so quietly that Fjord almost didn’t hear him. “I wanted to leave but I felt stuck as well, trapped in… indecisiveness? Fear? Of what, I didn’t know. It wasn’t until your friends showed up that I could convince myself, this was a sign. The Wildmother wanted me to leave so I couldn’t wallow in my own melancholy. It was… a relief. It also terrified me.”

That was a lot, and Fjord wasn’t sure if he had the words to address it. Instead, he took one of Caduceus’s hands between his own, running soothing patterns into the soft grey fur. 

“Why do you always do that?” Fjord asked, instead. Caduceus looked down at him, from where he’d been staring out at the water. “When you talk about the Mighty Nein, even to us directly, you always say things like ‘your friends’, or ‘we’re’ good for each other. They’re your friends, too, and you’re a part of us.”

Caduceus chuckled, and ducked his head. “I know,” he said. “I was distancing myself. It became a bad habit, I think.” 

“What changed?”

Caduceus glanced at him again, and didn’t say anything.

Fjord grinned, buoyant in the quiet space of admission.

“Not just you,” Caduceus said. It was with the same tone he’d used when he acknowledged Fjord wouldn’t learn his lesson on touching things unknown, or when he’d been ‘the least disappointed’ in his part to play in the pranks on the Stone. Exasperated fondness, for certain.

“That does make me feel better,” Fjord said.

“I’m glad.” Caduceus said. “Oh, look. My conch shell is on a new journey.”

Fjord looked over. The high tide had destroyed their sandcastles, the water smoothing the sand as it flowed over. Like Caduceus had pointed out, the conch shell had been carried by the flow of the water and was now bobbing out a distance away from them. The light had grown dim but the pink color of the shell was still visible. Fjord watched it carefully as it was carried away. As it vanished, the memory of Summer's Dance disappearing under the molten rock appeared, unbidden, in his mind. Then that mental image warped before him, and now it was Dwueth'var, the Star Razor, disappearing under the waves before them. He felt his jaw tense, and took a deep, long breath.

“Caduceus," Fjord said, "I’m sorry for what I said about Dwueth'var. About trying to force the eye on that and then throw it away.” He didn't want to look at Caduceus yet, so he looked at his hands. “I was just…”

“Scared? Desperate?” Caduceus said; knowingly, kindly. “Something inside of you was calling out to the eye of a creature you never wanted to be drawn into again. I understood. Even then, in that moment.”

“Still it wasn’t… a great moment for me.”

Fjord felt Caduceus’s sigh escape him in one big shuddering breath, reverberating in the space between them. “It might have also been exactly the sacrifice necessary. Not every answer is the one you want to hear.”

“Maybe but - uh - Caduceus?” He tilted his chin up, to meet his eyes. “I don’t want to talk around this. I feel like this would have hurt you.”

“Fjord,” Caduceus said, “losing you would have hurt me. Anything less than that, I could’ve lived with. The sword was just an object.” He looked down. “I’m not saying what you want to hear, I'm really not. It would have been unforgivable to me if the loss of the sword would have saved your life, and we didn’t explore that option.”

Fjord let it go. It was important that he said it. It felt like a weight had lifted from his chest. If it really hadn't upset Caduceus, that was good, and if it had and he wasn't ready to admit it just yet - well, maybe they'd make it to that moment, sometime in the future, when things were less newly changed between them. 

“... You know, if this was all an effort to make me like the sea more, it may have worked.” Caduceus said, breaking the quiet that had grown between them. 

Fjord curled closer still against his body. “Well, shit. Looks like my secret plan has been uncovered.”

Caduceus laughed, low and easy. That strange, airy feeling was back in Fjord’s chest. It bloomed out further as Caduceus pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, blossoming until the tips of his fingers tingled. He felt the strangest mix between a steady contentment that casual gestures of affection like that were a part of his foreseeable future, and a giddy excitement.

They stayed like that for a little while, leaning against each other, their breaths falling in and out in a calm meditative manner as the ocean breeze played gently with their hair. Fjord wasn’t sure he was even close to understanding how the Wildmother worked, but he was sure She was here, somehow, with them, encouraging. 

“Caduceus?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you messaged your family? You know, checked in on what they’re doing, if they got back safely yet, or any of that?” Fjord looked up. Caduceus’s eyes were closed and he was breathing in and out, not exactly in his trance yet. At first, he thought the question came too late and he was already somewhere else - but then his breath rushed out, and Caduceus opened his eyes.

“... no.”

Fjord brushed off some of the sand that was still clinging to Caduceus’s shirt, absentmindedly. “Are you still scared?”

“Hm,” Caduceus let out a small noise, a sort of half-chuckle. “Maybe.” 

“You know they’re safe, wherever they are.” Fjord said, though he couldn’t promise that. “They’re either all with Reani, or they're home, at the Blooming Grove by now. They’d want to hear from you, I think.” He prodded Caduceus’s side and he squirmed a little away. Fjord filed ‘ticklish’ away in the corner of his mind. 

“If I message one, I'll have to message all of them,” Caduceus said. “They can be frustrating like that. But... I do have the ability to get to all of them tonight, since I haven’t used any spells. And it would be funny to wake them up at this time of night. Hmm...” 

Fjord laughed. “Who would hate it the most?” He asked. And then he yawned. 

“Colton,” Caduceus said, quick and certain. 

“Then I think you should start with Colton.” Fjord said. Caduceus's smile in response was playful. 

The night was cold now, except for the growing warmth between them, and their picnic sat forgotten and mostly uneaten. Caduceus cast Sending, but the resulting one-sided conversation that Fjord could hear began to float in and out of Fjord’s ears. He tried, initially, to keep up with the words but his brain was winding down. It would have worried him, except he had once or twice felt this sleepy before, and he knew it was a result of both emotional exhaustion and yet at the same time, perfect contentment and comfort. 

His eyes were getting heavy. He wondered how the others were doing, back at the inn. Caleb and Veth would have probably made it back by now. He hoped no one was worried, though if they were, at this point they would have received a message of their own from Jester, he supposed. They were probably giving them space.

Fjord managed not to groan out loud as he realized. They’d have to deal with the rest of the Mighty Nein when they got back. Yeah, maybe it was okay to put that off another few hours and sleep out by the sea, by the grace of the Wildmother. They could walk back in the morning and face… whatever that situation became. 

“... Fjord?” He heard Caduceus’s voice like a dream, far away and as though through layers of velvet. The softest chuckling sound. A slight pressure against his forehead, which he recognized as another kiss before his vision went dark.

“Goodnight, and sleep well. I've got you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far! This is my first published fanfiction of any considerable length and the only one on AO3. I don't have much to say except I do appreciate if you have read through the story. It was a very indulgent idea and it kind of got away from me! 
> 
> The title is from the song "Eight" by Sleeping At Last. I have a Fjord/Caduceus playlist on Spotify which I listened almost non-stop to while making this fanfic, so if you are interested in a lot of very slow indie music, that link is here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Z4fMhmoy53BB82k9WEDQ1?si=SOrjx-sDQlWxd8SQ2OpP6A


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